Wednesday, March 21, 2012

THE DANCE

Office meetings are an odd kind of social interaction. It is required that one be personable, yet still conduct oneself in a business-like manner. It's not as conversationally casual as a business dinner, but it's also not all lectures and presentations these days. The etiquette has changed, and the game is much more complicated.

The minutes before the meeting begins are crucial. They may be more important than the entire meeting itself. These 3-5 minutes when everyone is milling around in the stuffy conference room, waiting for the assumed leader to grab the reins and get things started, may decide your future within the company. It's at this time that you must choose your conversations wisely. If people see you futzing around with interns, you will be written off and it will be known that you are not an integral part of the team, and thus, are worthless. But if you're seen chatting up say, an SVP or higher, well people will assume that you have connections and are important. It's a strategy that many practice, but few ever master.

First, you must dress for the meeting. This means wearing nicer attire than you wear on any given work day. You want to stand out, but only in good ways. You never want to be the first one to attend the meeting. This shows overeagerness, and is a complete turn-off to everyone, everywhere. But you certainly don't want to be the last either. Too much attention when everyone is settled in already is always negative. Plus, you will not have had the opportunity to engage in the pre-meeting conversations which as pointed out above, is extremely important. Shuffling in with the herd is not a bad thing in this case. In the preamble leading up to the meeting, one should seek out one's own boss or superior first. Engage in some light conversation, perhaps about activities of the night past, and always ask about them first, before recounting any personal tales. Take no more than a minute if possible, and end the conversation as neatly and naturally as possible. Now the point of this conversation was not about what was being said, but about what was going on around you. As you engage in surface "chit-chat" with your direct superior, you should be scanning the room to see who's been talking to who, and select the big-wig you will attempt to chat up momentarily. Once you've located him or her, keep nodding appropriately at your bosses vacuous recounting of his child's recital or what have you, but in your mind, begin preparing the opening lines of your anticipated conversation with the chosen executive. 

Some good opening lines I've used or seen are: "Lisa, do you have a minute? I wanted to get your opinion on ____." And "Frank, I read this article in the Times yesterday concerning _____ and I couldn't help but wonder what you thought. Have you read it?" The blanks should always be filled in with something Non-Work related, but tailored to that individuals interests. You want to engage in personal conversation at this time, showing that you know them better than they thought.

Some very poor lines that I've recently heard, orbit the region of: "Tom you old dandy, you still putting from the rough?" And "Hey Mark, I got wrecked last night watching Monday Night Raw, and I thought of you." Remember, these senior staff members are not your "bro's", and they expect to be treated with a certain amount of adoration, even if you both know it's fake.

Once you've got your opening line or two (and you better make sure it sounds natural), conveniently and politely excuse yourself from your boss, and carefully make your way over to the intended target. Don't be shy, approach confidently but not overbearingly. Try to walk a direct, straight line towards them, so that they know you're coming and can settle on their own manner before you arrive. Surprising an executive is like smacking a sleeping Lion's ass. Always stick your hand out first, and give a firm hand shake. This is a sign of confidence and respect. 

It's important that you peak the exec's interest as quickly as possible, and you must constantly be assessing your performance moment to moment. If you see their eyes wander, it's a good bet their mind is as well. Adjust your approach, and reel them back in as quickly and smoothly as possible. If all else fails, simply ask how they have been doing, and agree with them whole-heartedly when they say "busy." That should give you a few moments to reset yourself, but do not fall into the trap of creating a dreaded "awkward silence." You have to expect that they will give you one-word answers to all of your questions, so always have the next topic ready to go, until you finally touch upon something that interests them. Once you're there, it's smooth sailing. Your peers will acknowledge that you have grasped the attention of, and entertained an executive, and this will cause great envy in them. You're now on the road to alienating the common man, and hopefully gaining entrance into the "Big Boys Club." Once you master the art of casual condescension, you're only a promotion away from glory.

Eventually the meeting will begin, and chances are, you won't say a thing. If you are called upon, remember the 5 B's. "Be Brief Brother, Be Brief." A concise, well worded answer will blow the shit out of a grandiose speech any day. It's better to be thought of as a simple "answers man," than a windbag. If there's ever a chance to make people laugh in a polite and respectful manner, take the opportunity and bask in its glory. Appropriate, witty humor is always appreciated by the upper echelon, and it will again inspire the envy of your peers in the form of a "why didn't I think of that" feeling.

It's a dance, as most things are these days. Being too direct unfortunately, just doesn't work. The big cats want you to play the game with them, because it shows them that you know how, and are willing to play ball. They're always looking for good actors (aka phonies) to join their ranks and perpetuate the atmosphere of unapproachability. They like to keep you guessing. They don't want you to know they like you (if they do), and they don't want you to know if they don't. They want you to adore them. Not just look up to them, but in a sense fear them. They want you to think that they are powerful, because inside they feel inadequate. It is your job to build up a false sense of confidence and pride in them, so they can continue to beat you down and pay you meagerly. This is the game, and the hope is that one day you will be in their shoes, creating confusion, fear, and panic in the lower ranks of your own department. 


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