Friends of the Junkyard: UNCOMMON SENSE

It is with great pleasure that I introduce a new segment to the Junkyard Forum today. Two of my closest, and certainly prettiest consorts have decided to share their innermost voices with those willing to listen out there and trust me, it's worth listening.

A quick background on Petre Gabriel and Holland Oates. They're the kind of people who strangers see in bars and want to be friends with. They never wait on lines, even if they're not on the list, and taxi's pay them to take rides. They light fires to dance floors, tame lions with poems, and quell the internal riots that rage within each and everyone of our souls, with naught but a stare. If women gaze into their eyes for more than a moment, they find themselves with child. If men do the same, the hand on their pant clocks go from six to midnight. Do you get my drift? They always bring the best gift to the party, simply by showing up. You've heard of those people they say brighten the room when they walk in? Well these two burst the bulbs, shatter the walls, and turn the whole goddamn place into a discotheque of life and love.

So, when they informed me they wanted to provide a civic duty to the laymen of this world in the form of advice and suggested etiquette in certain social scenarios, I bit.

In what I'm hoping will become a weekly segment, I introduce you to Uncommon Sense?

"I Now Pronounce You, Fucked For Life"

So you decided to get married. That was your first mistake. But don't worry, we can offer you some damage control tips to keep that special day just within the bounds of appropriate. After all, you can choose your arrangements, entertainment, and cuisine, but you have little control over what creatures will come out once the reception begins.

Mailing out invitations so soon? Well make sure you tuck this advice in that envelope as well. 

You are cordially invited to act ridiculous...and oh yea, attend the wedding of:

Arriving:

Arrive at the time designated on the invitation. "Fashionably Late" does not apply in this situation. The internet has existed for decades, Google directions ahead of time. Do not bring a date that was not invited. 

On Fashion:

Don't wear white... unless you are Pippa Middleton or a guest of Kim Kardashian, and were asked to do so.

Don’t dress too provocatively, casually, or downright ridiculously. Make sure that you dress for the occasion.

Ladies, keep your shoes on. There is glass on the ground. I promise you.

Boys, ties on or off. 

Please don’t turn your three piece suit vest into a wife beater.  Keep your shirt on.

Eating:

Buffet? One trip only.  Come on now.

For evening weddings, make sure you eat at least one meal earlier in the day.

Hors d'oeuvres? Get it in and go light on the main course.

For dinner service, pasta is not the move. Go with Chicken or Fish. It won't slow you down on the dance floor, and your shirt will not become a road map to what you ate and when.

On Imbibing 

Absolutely no keg stands, shot guns or "icing" your friends. This sort of tomfoolery should only be reserved for trips to the Hamptons (or your preferred weekend destination). Other than guaranteeing you will be the drunkest person at the wedding (see later rule), you now have beer (or Mike’s Hard) all over your newly-pressed attire. Actual adults (or parents) attending this event will be less than impressed, plus anyone women over the age of 21 will not want to get down with your ass. 

Double-Fisting Is A No-No people! 

Yes, this is an open bar. But don't you dare act like this is your first rodeo. There is no reason to order more beers than your measly hands can carry. The bartender knows that they're not for your friends, who are in line directly behind you waiting to order multiple beverages as well.  Plus if you wanted to workout, your ass should have been in the gym, not at happy hour this week.

On flirting up with the wait staff:

This is not 'Old School.' You will not end up in a bathroom with a member of the wait staff. No matter how cute your beer goggles tell you that waitress is, leave her alone. She's already unhappy that she's spending Saturday night with your obnoxious and belligerent group of friends, so don’t make her night any more unpleasant than it already is. There is a person, with a soul, underneath that black and white facade. 

On music: 

Nobody wants to hear you rap. Nobody.  

If you do feel compelled to make a song request, make the request once, and then leave the DJ alone. Seriously. Just because he promised he would play 'Africa' (so you can awkwardly twirl around yelling 'THIS IS MY SONG' with a wine spritzer in hand), does not meant that he really gives a shit. The DJ is far more concerned with the larger picture, like ensuring the bride and groom are pleased (by playing the music they requested) and he getting paid. You can no longer hit those high notes anyway, and you should be able to stomach some Boston, “Jesse’s girl” or that silly "we're going to the chapel..." ditty. Leave the Jay-Z and/or Robin Thicke requests for the after party. You should feel free to abuse the hell out of that DJ.

Dancing etiquette:

Do not undress on the dance floor - fellas, again this includes ties.

If you had to suck your gut in to get in your dress - even remotely - do not pop, lock or drop it. You could wind up on gurney headed to the nearest ER.

Twerking is not an option, and only moonwalk when you must.

No drinks on the dance floor - unless you are a Venice Beach wino who can manage a drink in one hand, a girl on the other, all while dropping low to the chicken dance, and singing Journey. That's talent. For the rest of you, leave your drink on a table. When your spill your Coors Light on the bride or one of her bridesmaids, you will forever be branded that guy. Don’t be that guy.

When introducing yourself to the family of the bride:

Remember, the earlier the better.  If you feel the need to engage any other actual adult at the wedding, wait until as late as possible, thereby increasing the likelihood that they have reached a sufficient enough level of intoxication, to completely forget all the idiotic things you are saying and doing, by sunrise. NEVER talk about what you did in college with the bride and/or groom, unless it is an academic anecdote. 

Even if the bride is a hormonal, raging, unreasonable bitch, make sure you tell her father that she is god's gift to the world, and that she is beautiful. Thank him, even if you don't want to.

Additional Information:

Fornicating.  Keep it out of public view.

Do not stick your finger in the cake.

Do not initiate a toast or offer to initiate a toast unless you were delegated this task during a sober state, by a person in a position to actually delegate that kind of task. 

Try to enjoy yourself, and only sleep on a bed. Good luck.

Sincerely, 

Petre Gabriel and Holland Oates

Friends of the Junkyard: Concert Report

This isn't exactly a "fresh" piece of meat here, but it's something worth posting all the same. Its a review from a Mumford & Sons concert a few of us attended at the Barclays center back in February. It seemed pertinent enough though because these guys never go away. Their songs are always playing, their name is always coming up.

I enjoy Mumford, I think Marcus has an incredible voice, and their first album, Sigh No More, was a behemoth. I appreciate the originality of their songs and instrumentation. I had never really heard anything like it when they first came out, and you couldn't help but get swept up in the grandiose swells of the songs and album as a whole. Their second album, Babel, didn't quite grasp me the same way, but perfectly following up something as special as their freshman effort would have been impossible.

The ladies love Mumford & Sons. It's just a fact. You want to see the inside of the apartment (or bedroom) of that girl you've been hitting on hard? Surprise her with tickets to Mumford, guaranteed in. So in a sense, men everywhere should really be thanking these guys, because the music is helping people get laid all around the globe (I have no statistical data to back this up). It's akin to what DMB was doing for my generation when we were in high school (I have statistical data to back this up).

Heavy petting aside though, these guys do make good music, and they put on a hell of a show. They look like they're enjoying themselves, and that is extremely important when you want your music to come across as genuine.

Thanks to the First Lady of the Junkyard Express, below is a small tale about a concert past, that clearly left a lasting impression. Even though she wrote it a while ago, I'm pretty sure she still feels the same way as she's going to see these guys again in Forest Hills, Queens at the end of the month. And who the heck would go there unless there was really something worth doing? ;)

Wednesday, February 6th: Mumford & Sons at the Barclays

Setlist

"Babel"
"I Will Wait"
"Winter Winds"
"Below My Feet"
"Hopeless Wanderer"
"Timshel"
"Little Lion Man"
"Lover of the Light"
"Thistle and Weeds"
"Ghosts That We Knew"
"Holland Road"
"For Those Below"
"Roll Away Your Stone"
"Whispers in the Dark"
"Dust Bowl Dance"

• Encore 1
• "Reminder"
• "Sister"
•  
• Encore 2
• "Lovers' Eyes"
• "The Cave"
• 
  

Mumford and Sons first album Sigh No More, has been a favorite of mine since its release. So when I heard they were going on tour and would actually be stopping in NYC, I went nuts. I immediately contacted my partner in crime for anything concert related, Chelsea, because not only is she a blast, but yes, she has an AMEX. This allows her to receive an early selection of tickets, which I hoped she would use for the two of us, The Junkyard Farmer, and concert all-star The Man Mulcahy. As usual, Chelsea did not disappoint! 

I did not know a lot about the new album Babel, but based off what I'd heard, I knew it had to be good. In the week leading up to the concert I made sure to listen to the album cover to cover, but I knew the true test would come from hearing the songs live.

The night began with the opening and title track "Babel." The stage lit up, the crowd went nuts.  Song after song, no one sat down. There was non-stop dancing, arms waving, beer flying, smoke blazing, and plenty of sing-a-longs. Needless to say, the crowd was in high gear. The band was feeling that energy too, moving with the music and feeding off the crowd. Winston Marshall, the banjo player, definitely has the weirdest moves, but you could tell they were all having a blast. 

Soon after, they played "Below My Feet," which definitely became one of my favorites from the show. Every time I hear it, I can't help but sing along:

Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn

I'm not sure what it means, most likely something religious but it doesn't matter. I enjoy the energy of it, as it builds and builds through the song, until finally everyone is belting out the chorus together! 

When "Little Lion Man" (a chart topper from their first album) was played, the audience started to stomp their feet with the beat, bringing as much energy out of the building as it could take. It was incredible to feel. Two songs later, they slowed it down with a heartfelt "Ghost That We Knew." Marcus was on the big screen above, with fans belting out the high notes and swaying side to side. It was the kind of song you want to sing with a friend or a loved one, the banjo being the standout for me:

Hold me still, bury my heart next to yours.

   

The show came to an end with a surprise A Cappella song to start the second encore. The band moved across the arena, climbing atop a small square stage on the opposite side of the floor. They kindly asked the audience to keep quiet (which took some time), and with one microphone hanging above them performed "Lovers Eyes." It was beautiful to hear them harmonize together, with only a single guitar slightly added in. This gave me the best look at the raw talent they have, and the fearlessness to do that kind of performance in front of such a large and energetic crowd.

The night ended with the boys back on the main stage doing as big version of "The Cave" as they possibly could. It was the right song to end a fantastic show. 

The concert was great, there's no doubt about that for me. But I was very surprised that Mumford & Sons would play at such a large venue, having more of an acoustic feel on their albums. There were times that the sound got a little lost, but nothings ever perfect when it's live, and that's why live shows are so much fun, and all so different. Plain and simple, they blew me away with their passion and talent.  I would 100% go see them again. 

So I'll end by saying Thanks to Mumford & Sons for an incredible night. It was music to my ears.

xx
Kim

Remember When We Learned The Truth About Martin Luther King Jr.'s Assassination?

Over the past couple months, a few of you have heard me talking (rambling) about conspiracy theories and/or purposeful dissemination of false information by the government. The 9/11 conspiracy, The Sandy Hook conspiracy, The government plan to disarm the public...etc. It's not that I necessarily believe in any of these idea exactly, but given their scope and prevalence, I think it's important to at least be aware and somewhat knowledgeable of them.

One of the most interesting stories (or lack there of), was that of the Martin Luther King Jr. civil trial in 1999. The trial was unquestionably one of the biggest stories of the century, yet there was virtually no press coverage. The civil trial brought to light some of the most damning conspiracy charges ever leveled against the government, and revealed a large scale cover-up operation, ultimately pinning the blame (and murder charge) on the infamous James Earl Ray. Turns out, he was just a patsy.

Given the fact that King is hailed as a national hero, and that there are chapters devoted to him in our scholastic history books, you'd expect that any new revelations about his story, would be front page. Christ, we have a national holiday devoted to him! But, as the story shows and goes, the public is utterly clueless to this next chapter in the story, and its already 15 years past due at this point.

Thus, I figured I'd share an article with you, as I think my preaching has run its course:


http://www.examiner.com/article/dr-martin-luther-king-assassinated-by-us-govt-king-family-civil-trial-verdict

Drive By Truckers - Birthday Boy - Later 27.4.10

SOD: Vulfpeck "Rango"

Right away, I thought to myself Stuff. The band from the 70's. It's funky, it's instrumental, and though the color of their skin may not match, they're feeling similar grooves.

The beauty and bite to a lot of Vulfpeck songs is the space between. Tasteful playing will blow a noodler out of the water any day of the week. It's that space between the notes in Rango's guitar solos and rhodes licks that let it breath and keep it interesting. Many of their songs have a nice gradual grow to them. They don't take on too many different shapes, as it's a cumulative build based on the same progression. That's not to say it isn't complex. Best of all, they pass the "Bunny Test," which says, If you can dance to it, then that's half the battle won. Towards a good song that is. And you can definitely tap your toes to these guys.

They're all multi-instrumentalists, and you can tell they know what they're doing. They're all over the beat and definitely rehearsed, but you sense the experimentation in every track. It feels as if any one of the instruments can go off, take a solo, or change directions at any time, and the rest of the group would follow without missing a step. They have great chemistry, and best of all they're having fun. 

I want more. I was listening to these songs a while ago, I'd say almost a year. A buddy recently asked me If I had heard what Theo Katzman was up to, because he had discovered Vulfpeck for the first time. "I think they're my new favorite band" he said to me. We had both gone to high school with Theo, though he was a couple years younger than I. He was always into music, and a nice kid by all accounts. It always feels good (at least for me), when someone you knew from "back in the day" winds up making a name for themselves in the arts. I hope the ball keeps rolling for these guys, because in my humble opinion, they're worth the time. 

Vulfpeck — Rango

SOD: John Grant "GMF"

First of all, Later... with Jools Holland is one of the most marvelous shows on television (Channel: Palladia). It's just pure music. Live performances by 5 or more artist each week who hail from a variety of musical persuasions. Just watch it, and get hooked. They're always playing reruns, and I've learned about a lot of present day artists I normally wouldn't have stumbled on. After all, there's so much out their to trip over these days, it helps when someone tries to focus a little of your attention in one direction.

John Grant is known mainly as one of the founding members and front-man of Denver Alt-rock band The Czars. Though I'm not a big fan of theirs, I'm also admittedly not familiar with their entire body of work. However, I was skimming local concerts yesterday and John Grant was playing in the area and I truly considered running over to buy a last minute ticket. But alas, an HBO Documentary on public defenders got the best of me, and I was glued to the tube. But that documentary itself is worth a whole separate post.

John Grant has a great voice. Sometimes that's all it takes. I find that his lyrics are odd, and his cadence even stranger. But after listening to his songs repeatedly, it grows on you like a carpet moss. The more you listen, the more it makes sense, and the more comfortable it feels when you're walking with or to it. Listening to this song again today, certainly gives me a hint of regret for not having seen him live, but I'm hoping there may be another shot at it. Hey, he looks pretty good for someone who's HIV positive.

He has two solo albums since his group format ended, and this song happens to be off the most recent one, Pale Green Ghosts. There's really some interesting work done on the album. It was recorded in Iceland where he was living with a plethora of different musicians. The warm and full sound that is on this track lives on the album as well, and I thought they did a great job of replicating that sound live. There are definitely some more experimental and electronic numbers on the album as well, but they're all strung together by his deep, haunting, tone. I'd give it a listen, you'll probably figure out pretty quickly if it's not your thing.

And though he may not be the Greatest Mother Fucker I've ever met, he's certainly got me humming that line to myself with a smile on my face, and a swagger in my step.