Entitlement

Disclaimer: I'm back and I'm getting heavy. 

Entitlement is a right. It's a guarantee of something and in many instances, specifically law, it's an important basis for which our individual rights are based (i.e. all are entitled to a fair trial).

But in our day to day world, "entitlement" takes on a different and perhaps more meaningful definition when used in the casual and unfortunately pejorative sense. Having a "sense of entitlement" is no flattering thing. It is a narcissistic personality trait of the overtly self-involved. And as much as I truly do hate to admit it, it's a festering infection that much of my generation suffers from. This may be regarded as opinion, but it is based off years of analyzing what I see on a day to day basis with both the people I call peers, and even friends.

There lives a notion in many of us that we are deserving of the gifts that have been bestowed upon us since birth, and that we have a lifelong right to receive them. Without having accomplished any feat of particular brilliance, especially considering how much we have at our disposal, we have a deeply ingrained volition of extra self-worth. Confidence, is not what I am referring to. It's a personal understanding that the universe doesn't revolve around you, but your certainly worth more of it's time and attention than most. I'm not completely clear where this feeling came from originally. Parents are certainly an enabler of this mentality and it's long been the American way to teach our children that everybody's special in their own amazing way. I'm not saying a "Tiger-Mom" is any better but those are both extremes whether or not we want to admit it. A capitalistic society is certainly great soil to foster that kind of growth in its young sprouts. With no ceiling on what you're told you can attain, all that's left to want is more.  Watching your parents break their backs for the better house, car, and espresso machine will certainly leave its mark, and the fact that we all put so much importance on wealth and "what you make" as a measure of our achievement and self-worth, has very real and lasting effects. Everything becomes a status symbol, and status is based on what you have, not who you are.

But it's not so much the cause that I'm concerned with. Psychologists may be, but I'm more focused right now on the effect this mentality is having on my life, on my friends lives, and on the lives of the children many of us may hope to have. I'm also worried that nobody see's this problem in themselves, and that surely I'm wasting my words. I mean after all, who wants to admit to themselves or anyone else that they may have a complex like this? It's not the kind of description a person wants to be given. Everyone likes to think of themselves as humble but confident, strong and silent but verbal when necessary. Everyone wants to think their words have meaning, and their principles are strong. But the truth is, that most of the things we want to be inside, are oxy-moronic when tested out in the world. The strong are rarely silent, and the humble are usually introverts with low self-esteem (even if their talents are noteworthy), and principles are easy to talk about, but the very few times they're put to the test in our lives, we usually compromise with them and are never as hard-nosed as we want to believe.

The sense of entitlement that I speak of, is in many ways akin to the false sense of entitlement that so much has been written on in the field of child psychology and parenting, but "grown-up" a bit. My problem is that some of us never out grew it originally, and that little monster is now a fucking beast. That entitlement grows from being the somewhat natural instinct of a child to want everything immediately, to the unnaturally obscenity of an adult thinking they deserve everything because they've done something to warrant it all along. The idea of a sense of entitlement itself is very Freudian, and its no wonder many of the theories I am drawn to are psychoanalytical. Just type "ENTITLEMENT" into wikipedia (yea, I went there), and you'll get a great quote from second-generation psychoanalyst Otto Fenichel (who sadly I did have to read about in my collegiate studies) equating entitlement to a narcissistic personality disorder in people who "because of early frustrations...arrogate to themselves the right to demand lifelong reimbursement from fate." 

I break that thought up into two very important ideas:

First, ...arrogate to themselves. Forget the rest of it for a moment. Here's the crux of it all. If you're arrogating anything to yourself, it's undeservedly. And that is exactly what a sense of entitlement has come to mean these days. So to arrogate to oneself  the right to demand lifelong reimbursement, is to collect on something you never earned in the first place. This is a all to perfectly exemplified in modern day lawsuits. People say to themselves, "Life handed me this shitty situation of debt and detriment, so I deserve some compensation." It's not about the accident or instance or immoral way the money is being obtained, it's about the fact that you got fucked (probably because of your own incompetence in the first place), so now The World owes you a debt. And lawsuits are just an example. That mentality seeps into every porous pocket of our being. The entitlement grows, and then you start taking for granted the good things people do for you. You start justifying it to yourself. "Oh well, Tom should pay for dinner he's loaded with a great job and he doesn't even work that hard. I've been struggling for years!" Though the name's changed, that's literally a direct quote.

The Second Part of Otto's premise is also something to note. "... demand lifelong reimbursement from fate." There's a bit more of the hypothetical entwined in this, but its still pertinent. The idea of fate intrigues me, because whether or not people believe in fate, it's always there and often it's notions are bought into by non-believers. Simply asking yourself the rhetorical version of the question, "why did this happen to me" implies that there are answers out there somewhere in the grand scheme of things. The reason I say this is because I think almost everyone believes, even if its only vaguely or simply an acknowledgement that they don't have all the answers, that life has some riddle like qualities to it. Coincidence, chance, luck, these things are out there, and many people put a lot of stock in them. You don't have to, but the fact that others do will unfortunately cause these things to impact your life. So the idea that a reimbursement from fate can somehow be the reason, for what otherwise has no reason, is believable to me. The sense of entitlement is built upon nothing because in the end, it's not deserved. But the person with the entitlement needs something to base it on, so why not make it something as big as say, the plan of the universe? That, in my perception, is soundly in-tune with most narcissistic people I've met. Justification is an important part of convincing yourself why you're actually deserving in the first place. Have I lost you yet?

I know, I'm saying a lot, and I have my "theories". But anyone who knows me, knows the motor's always running in this truck, and even though I've gone far down some of the stranger paths, it's with good intent. Examples however are like low hanging fruit with this particular one though. This entitlement, once residing with someone for some time, starts to effect other behaviors as well. How could such a great and verbose belief not permeate to adjacent parts of the personality? Respect, courtesy, etiquette, these are the first to go. When the world owes you, there's little time (or need) to give others their due. The me-first attitude always takes precedence, friends can start to look like competition, or worse yet, stepping stones. You forget the manners you were once taught (or not), and the fight to the top is a ruthless one. When we stop respecting people and devolve into these assholes we see in our daily lives who curse out the people behind the counter for not "snapping to it" quickly enough, will we even realize what we've become? Is that the behavior you want your young to emulate?

Its hard to believe, but I see these things happen with people I know every day. It scares me to think that they don't even realize when their actions take on this form. Worse yet if they are aware of it, they don't see it as problematic. It scares me even more to ask myself, have I been that person? I sincerely hope not, though I know I've had my moments of ungratefulness and contempt. It's never so overt as to encapsulate everything said above all the time, and it doesn't mean that the people who exhibit this are not smart, or intellectual, or even enjoyable in most cases. In fact, most of these people are all these things and more. But they lack an understanding of how people should be treated, and what they themselves are truly deserving of. Because the truth as I see it, is that we haven't done enough with what we have, and in most cases, haven't really tried. I haven't done enough with all I've been given, I know that. I try to work hard, and be respectful of everyone, and everything. And that's my standard. If there is one word that would be the most important word to base your entire life around, for me, it would be Respect. Give it, but demand it. Strive to get it, and remember to return it when it's earned. Have it in yourself, but for the right reasons. Always show it to your elders and to women, because history has shown that they have had to work harder for it. Teach it, preach it, and pass it along.

Now it must be said, that when accomplishments are achieved, gratitude and compensation are absolutely deserved. Confidence should be high, and the good productive kind of confidence, not the false inflated kind. Being rewarded for doing well, that should be the American way. You should get more if you've earned more, and that should give you a certain sense of pride. But pride at the expense of others is never acceptable. Not to me at least. And it may sound like I think I have all the answers, but I know I don't. I don't know how to change peoples perceptions of what is important, and I wouldn't even begin to know how to get them to change their approach towards getting those things. All I can do I guess, is try and practice what I preach, which after a post like this, may be an undertaking in itself. We all slip up and do things we know we shouldn't have. Maybe the first step is admitting to just that, and making an effort to be more concerned about bettering ourselves, than comparing ourselves to others. Take a step back, look at what you've got and decide what's really important. Finding worth in yourself and your place, shouldn't rely on where anyone else in the world is. Competition is a good thing, it pushes people to do better, and rises humanity to new heights. But it should have no bearing on your intrinsic value and happiness.

Yea I know, this is a mouthful. Maybe even a bit verbose. But you know what, I think somebody had to say something. Even if nobody is listening.