A quick background on Petre Gabriel and Holland Oates. They're the kind of people who strangers see in bars and want to be friends with. They never wait on lines, even if they're not on the list, and taxi's pay them to take rides. They light fires to dance floors, tame lions with poems, and quell the internal riots that rage within each and everyone of our souls, with naught but a stare. If women gaze into their eyes for more than a moment, they find themselves with child. If men do the same, the hand on their pant clocks go from six to midnight. Do you get my drift? They always bring the best gift to the party, simply by showing up. You've heard of those people they say brighten the room when they walk in? Well these two burst the bulbs, shatter the walls, and turn the whole goddamn place into a discotheque of life and love.
So, when they informed me they wanted to provide a civic duty to the laymen of this world in the form of advice and suggested etiquette in certain social scenarios, I bit.
In what I'm hoping will become a weekly segment, I introduce you to Uncommon Sense?
"I Now Pronounce You, Fucked For Life"
So you decided to get married. That was your first mistake. But don't worry, we can offer you some damage control tips to keep that special day just within the bounds of appropriate. After all, you can choose your arrangements, entertainment, and cuisine, but you have little control over what creatures will come out once the reception begins.
Mailing out invitations so soon? Well make sure you tuck this advice in that envelope as well.
You are cordially invited to act ridiculous...and oh yea, attend the wedding of:
Arriving:
Arrive at the time
designated on the invitation. "Fashionably Late" does not apply in this situation. The internet has existed for decades, Google directions ahead of time. Do not
bring a date that was not invited.
On Fashion:
Don't wear white...
unless you are Pippa Middleton or a guest of Kim Kardashian, and were asked to
do so.
Don’t dress too provocatively,
casually, or downright ridiculously. Make sure that you dress for the occasion.
Ladies, keep your
shoes on. There is glass on the
ground. I promise you.
Boys, ties on or off.
Please don’t turn your
three piece suit vest into a wife beater.
Keep your shirt on.
Eating:
Buffet? One trip only. Come on now.
For evening weddings, make
sure you eat at least one meal earlier in the day.
Hors d'oeuvres? Get it in and go
light on the main course.
For dinner service, pasta is not the move. Go with Chicken or Fish. It won't slow you down on the dance floor, and your shirt will not become a road map to what you ate and when.
On Imbibing
Absolutely no keg
stands, shot guns or "icing" your friends. This sort of
tomfoolery should only be reserved for trips to the Hamptons (or your
preferred weekend destination). Other than guaranteeing you will be the drunkest person at the wedding (see later rule), you now have beer (or
Mike’s Hard) all over your newly-pressed attire. Actual adults (or parents)
attending this event will be less than impressed, plus anyone women over the
age of 21 will not want to get down with your ass.
Double-Fisting Is A No-No people!
Yes, this is an open bar. But don't you dare act like this is your first rodeo. There is no reason to order more beers than your
measly hands can carry. The bartender knows that they're not for your friends,
who are in line directly behind you waiting to order multiple beverages as well. Plus if you wanted to workout,
your ass should have been in the gym, not at happy hour this week.
On
flirting up with the wait staff:
This is not 'Old School.' You will not end up in a bathroom with
a member of the wait staff. No matter how cute your beer goggles tell you that
waitress is, leave her alone. She's already unhappy that she's spending
Saturday night with your obnoxious and belligerent group of friends, so don’t make
her night any more unpleasant than it already is. There is a person, with a soul, underneath that black and white facade.
On music:
Nobody wants to hear you
rap. Nobody.
If you do feel compelled
to make a song request, make the request once, and then leave the DJ alone.
Seriously. Just because he promised he would play 'Africa' (so you can awkwardly twirl around yelling 'THIS IS MY SONG' with a wine spritzer in hand), does not meant that he really gives a shit. The DJ is far more concerned with the larger picture, like ensuring the bride and groom are
pleased (by playing the music they requested) and he getting paid. You can no
longer hit those high notes anyway, and you should be able to stomach some Boston,
“Jesse’s girl” or that silly "we're going to the chapel..." ditty. Leave the
Jay-Z and/or Robin Thicke requests for the after party. You should feel free to abuse the hell out of that DJ.
Dancing etiquette:
Do not undress on the dance floor - fellas, again this includes ties.
If you had to suck your gut in to get in your dress - even
remotely - do not pop, lock or drop it. You could wind up on gurney headed to the nearest ER.
Twerking is not an option, and only moonwalk when you must.
No drinks on the dance
floor - unless you are a Venice Beach wino who can manage a drink in one hand, a girl on the other, all while dropping low to the chicken dance, and singing
Journey. That's talent. For the rest of you, leave your drink on a
table. When your spill your Coors Light on the bride or one of her
bridesmaids, you will forever be branded that guy. Don’t be that guy.
When introducing yourself to the family of the bride:
Remember, the
earlier the better. If you feel the need
to engage any other actual adult at the wedding, wait until as late as possible, thereby increasing the likelihood that they have reached a sufficient enough level of intoxication, to completely forget all the idiotic things you are saying and doing, by sunrise. NEVER talk about what you did in
college with the bride and/or groom, unless it is an academic anecdote.
Even if the bride is
a hormonal, raging, unreasonable bitch, make sure you tell her father that she
is god's gift to the world, and that she is beautiful. Thank him, even if you don't want to.
Additional Information:
Fornicating. Keep it out of public view.
Do not stick your finger
in the cake.
Do not initiate a toast
or offer to initiate a toast unless you were delegated this task during a sober
state, by a person in a position to actually delegate that kind of task.
Try to enjoy yourself, and only sleep on a bed. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Petre Gabriel and Holland Oates
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