When Choosing A Name For Your Baby...

...try not to be a complete ass. Albums, are undeniably musicians babies, seeing as how they put way more time and effort into developing them, than their own living breathing ones. So that being said, why in gods name are there so many downright moronic album names out there? It scares me. Truly. To think that the youth of America looks up to these people. To think that I look up to some of these people. I mean, christ on crutches this is crippled thinking if I ever saw it. Have a gander at my top 20 (...16 and 4 Honorable Mentions)

#16 – Jefferson Starship – Nuclear Furniture

This is just probably an all around bad idea. Not only would I not recommend purchasing, using, or being around any Nuclear Furniture, but I’d recommend that you stay away from any individual who is. The former band of Jefferson Airplane got a little weird when they made the transition from Bowing 747 to Intergalactic Starship, and obviously so did their taste in furniture.

#15 – Elton John – Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy

Far be it from me to judge the man’s music. Lord knows I’ve cried myself to sleep to a few of his tunes, and certainly Crocodile Rock’d myself to embarrassment on an occasion or two. But there’s just something a little off-colored about an album with the phrase “Brown Dirt Cowboy” coming from Elton John. This coupled with the fact that the album is an autobiographical journey through Elton and Bernie’s early career and life, leads me to hold certain suspicions. After all, in the largely successful “Someone Saved My Life Tonight,” Elton is singing about how ending his marriage to a woman, saved his music career, and I must infer that this also quite possibly allowed him to more freely pursue his natural sexual tendencies. I could be picked off 2^nd base for venturing out too far, but I’ve just got to say something about this title doesn’t sit right.

#14 – Bad Company – Bad Company

Have you ever heard the song “Bad Company” off the album “Bad Company,” by the band “Bad Company?” If so, you’re in good company because the song is a classic rock staple. However, Bad Company (the band) has just taken this a little too far. Yes guys, we get it, you’re mother fuckin’ bad mother fuckers. We don’t need an eponymous album and song to get that. Believe me, Paul Rodgers golden pipes and Mick Ralphs’ axe work are more than sufficient. If for some reason that wasn’t enough, Rodgers is also a black belt in martial arts, so he could kick your ass while belting out a song about how bad-ass his band is. In all seriousness though, apparently Paul Rodgers liked the Acid Western “Bad Company” so much, that he decided to name his band, song, and album after it. To quickly sum things up now, have you ever heard the song “Bad Company” off the album “Bad Company,” by the band “Bad Company,” named after the movie…well you get the idea.

#13 – Michael Bolton – Til’ The End of Forever

I believe the original FULL title of this album included “I’ll always make terrible music…Til’ The End of Forever.” Now let’s just look at this title for a moment. Forever, is well For-ev-er, as Squints Palledorous so pertinently puts it. Thus, there can be no end of forever, which is probably what that clever son of a bitch, Michael Bolton, was going for. I mean, Jesus, that just sends my head into spins thinking about it. The man is a freakin’ literary genius! Seriously though, an oxymoron, for a total moron. He should just stick to music…Wait, actually, please don’t do that either. Your best bet is to lock yourself in a 5’x 8’fallout shelter with a running lawnmower.

#12 – George Clinton – Hey Man, Smell My Finger

Definitely DO NOT do that. I mean, Really George? I’m not saying you’re a clean guy by any means, but I guess I expected a little more from you then the classic High-School stoner banter. Then again, that may have been my first mistake. Now let’s say, for arguments sake, I did go ahead and smell your finger. What would I smell? Would it be the peanut butter you were digging in for a midnight snack? Perhaps it would be the sticky-icky that you just broke up to roll some serious doobage. Better yet, I might smell your freshly soiled underwear, which you just picked out of your lint-laden ass crack. Now that sounds about right. I’ll tell you what buddy, why don’t you stick to the Funk, and let Bootsie name your albums for you. Lord knows he’s come up with some of the most creative album names of the past 3 decades (see:  Bootsy? Player of the Year, Play With Bootsy, and What’s Bootsy Doin’?). I sure bet he’ll smell your finger, that’s What Bootsy’s Doin…

#11 – The Heads – No Talking, Just Head

Now that’s what I’m talking about. I can’t tell you from personal experience, but I’m sure my friends can, this is not a line you want to lay on a lady during a first date. For that matter, I’d recommend leaving this line out of your repertoire altogether, unless you really know what you’re doing. But interestingly enough, this title has some serious connotations to it. When disenfranchised Talking Heads band members Jerry Harrison, Tina Weymouth, and Chris Frantz got together to do this album, their beef was ripe with David Byrne. Perhaps that’s what their alluding to in the title of the album, by drawing attention to the absence of the “talker” David Byrne. Or maybe, they’re just all big fans of fellatio. Whatever the meaning may be, I’m going to have to give my stamp of disapproval on this tasteless title. I’m sure there are plenty who will disagree…

#10 – Asher Roth – Asleep In The Bread Aisle

Well I just have to hope that his DJ fell asleep in the Deli section and that when they awake to find each other they can finally have something to eat. I can’t say I’ve fallen asleep in a Grocery Store, but I have to commend this gentleman, because at least he seems intelligent given the situation. I mean, where is there a more comfortable place to fall asleep in a supermarket than on loaves of bread? Maybe the Toilet Paper aisle, but the rolls are so bulky, and since their prepackaged in bundles, it might be difficult to find a comfortable position. Though one is left with the gnawing wonderment of why this man chose this experience to name his Debut Album after? I guess it’s better than “Passed Out on Porcelin” or “Dreaming On My Desk.” We certainly wouldn’t want the kids to get the wrong idea, because college is a very important academic institution as Roth has put forth. This is an album about three fundamentals of said college life: Smoking Weed, Having Sex, and Swearing.

#9 – Caravan - If I Could Do It All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You

Well Caravan, you could try but you’d probably lose a limb or shall we say, “intromittent organ” in the process. I’m just glad that they can’t Do it all over again because it just seems like I get the short end of the f’in stick on that bargain. They get a redo, and I get covered in whatever they’re doing all over again. If for some reason they could do it all over again, then I’d at least appreciate a brief disclaimer about what was about to be done all over me. That seems fair, no?

#8 – REO Speedwagon – You Can Tune a Piano, But You Can’t Tuna Fish

Wow guys, did you stay up all night writing that one? I’m just not sure I’ll ever know what this means. I’ve “Tuna Fished” before, and I’ve seen someone tune a piano. You definitely need a very different skill set for each task, and never have I met a piano tuner that tuna fished, though now I’ve peaked my own curiosity. The album itself is considered one of their better efforts, but that doesn’t make up for the fact that this album title is devoid of any sense, totally unrelated to anything in the music world I know, and just plain old stupid. If I wanted to be confused, I’d bike down to the local liquor depot and sit with the wino’s out back. Sometimes I wonder if that’s what REO did, and just randomly heard this slip out of some vagrants’ mouth. Regardless of how this title was made, it sucks. And I want to know which one of those fuckin' geniuses came up with it so I can do something horrible to him with a broom handle. Sorry that was off color. I sure hope it wasn’t Kevin Cronin, because I’ll never buy another TimeLife product again…

#7 – REO Speedwagon – The Earth, A Small Man, His Dog and a Chicken

What is it with these guys? I mean seriously, is this the beginning to some pointless “…walk into a bar” joke? Again, a nonsense album title sure to confuse some, and leave only the most loquacious looking for the deep meaning within. I could almost see Willie Nelson making a title of this caliber, but for one of the most profitable Rock groups of the late 80’s, this is just not up to par. I could probably work myself up into a violent rage about it, but it’s just not worth it.

#6 – Willie Nelson – Naked Willie

There’s so much wrong with this, I don’t know where to begin. First of all, this album came out in 2009, so I don’t think anyone wants to see “Naked Willie” at age 76. The thought alone is troubling enough. Secondly, it just so happens that “willie,” in certain circles, means penis. I don’t really need to elaborate on this, but perhaps I should give Mr. Nelson the benefit of the doubt, and assume that he didn’t realize that “Willie” held those connotations, he is after all a generation or two removed. And he's made it clear to us in films like Half-Baked, that he never used a condom, so unless he used to walk around with a sock on his dick, I don't see how his "willie" isn't naked already? Now granted, this is a compilation album and the overt message of the title is that he’s stripping his music back down to the roots in this one, but I think there were probably a few other titles tossed out that could have sufficed.

#5 – Blink-182 – Take Off Your Pants and Jacket

No thanks, I’d prefer to keep them on for now, I’m kind of chilly. Plus then I’d be left in my Tidy-whities and collared shirt, and I’m no Tom Cruise. But upon closer inspection, we see that these clever little bastards had a pun running the whole way (Jack-it…). It’s the kind of album title that your pubescent male teen is just going to die for, and the mom who bought it is just going to further convince herself that she doesn’t understand kids these days as the title clearly goes soaring over her head. For what it’s worth, I did partially crack a smile reading this title, but in the end it’s just so amateur that it has to go on the list. Plus, any pro in the public masturbation circuit knows how to properly play pocket pool with his pants fully on. 

#4 – Cursive – Mama, I’m Swollen

Now that’s just odd. I don’t know what kind of household you guys grew up in, but if I was “swollen,” I’m not gonna tell my mother about it. In fact, she’s probably the last person on earth that I’m telling. Go to the Doctor sir, and get some medicine. In the least, take a break from the studio and get the necessary medical care for your ailment. I guess it could be relating to a number of different physical symptoms or problems, but this title makes little more sense than a pregnant leprechaun.

#3 – Fiona Apple – When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand Then You'll Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You Know That You're Right

Is this title written in Iambic Pentameter? Regardless, it’s freakin’ obnoxious. Poetry is a lost art, and I have a lot of respect for masters of the craft, but to use a poem you’ve written as the title of you’realbum is at best, annoying. Maybe she was going for the record books with “Longest Album Title,” and if that’s the case, then this should be #1 on the list. It also must be mentioned that Soul Wax had analbum Most of the Remixes,… that went 100 characters longer than Ms. Apples’s, and in 2008, Chumbawamba set the record for dumbest bunch of mofo’s with an album title to trump all album titles, which expanded 708 characters of text. Get a life people, you’re supposed to be making music.

#2 – Elvis Presley – He Touched Me

Mr. Presley, would you like to talk about it? Who touched you? Can you show me on this doll where exactly he touched you? Now granted, this is a gospel album, but in my eyes you should never, ever, ever name an album like this or anything remotely closely to something that could be mistaken for a traumatic childhood homosexual experience. There’s a lot of pain behind those words, and a lot of bad memories as well. I don’t care if it’s your daddy, your uncle, your neighbor, your friend, or the lord Jesus Christ himself. No man should be touching another man against his will, and no album should ever have those 3 words smeared across the label. 

#1 – Limp Bizkit – Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water

Feel free to take this moment to regurgitate whatever’s in your stomach. I have to take Dramamine every time I even think I might come in contact with this album. The Chocolate Starfish is a blatant reference to one’s anus, and also happens to be a distorted and all-to-telling nickname that Fred Durst has for himself. Apparently Hot Dog Flavored Water is an inside joke that the band held. For the all you yet-to-be Rock Stars, two things that should never be in a title : The human anus (or any variety of, like “Butthole Surfers”) and an inside joke between band members. I can’t think of a better way to alienate a prospective audience. In the song Hot Dog off this very album, Fred Durst says the word “Fuck” 48 times. A second note, you probably shouldn’t have anything to do with Hot Dogs, Fucking, and Chocolate Starfish. In fact, if these three things are ever mentioned together, immediately map out an escape route, or kill yourself before things get…weird.

Also, shout outs to:

Donovan – A Gift From A Flower To A Garden (clearly that “flower” was a PANSY)

Sigur Ros – ( ) (See, I can do that too, except mine means something)

Filter – Title of Record (This only works if your group is called: Name of Band)

R. Kelly - Chocolate Factory (because peeing on a minor, just wasn't enough)